The Sperm, The Egg, And Black
by Alice Grayson
Summary: what could go wrong when sirius is in a sex ed class? WARNING...mention of sex parts..


I warn you all now…this fic is really…weird…so don't cry to me about how gross or what have you it was.

Anyways, I present to you to keep you entertained 

The sperm, the egg and black. 

Every mourning hogwarts would always wake up at seven o five. And everyday hogwarts would have three meals. And every year hogwarts had to deal with the fifth year's sex Ed class.

"I refuse to teach it again this year headmaster." McGonagall sniffed, turning her nose upward. "Having to go threw the 'facts of life' with seventy students that have less maturity then a two year old is one thing, but doing it when Sirius black is in the class is a completely different type of torture."

Dumbledore smiled at her over his spectacles. "I understand your discomfort **Minerva**. But, as you know you either have to teach sex Ed or visit the muggle born families." His eyes twinkled. "And you chose witch torture you would prefer at the start of term."

McGonagall sunk low into her seat. "You do realize for the next four weeks all we will hear is about how sexy eggs are, or who has the fastest sperm"

Dumbledore beamed. "I'm looking forward to it."

……………………………………………………………………..

Sirius black lounched in his seat. The whole fifth year had been called down to the great hall and where now waiting for Professor Dumbledore and McGonagall to start.

"What do you think it's on about?" James said, poking Sirius in the side. "Probably congratulating us on a prank well down." Sirius said, rubbing where James had prodded him.

"You two don't know?" Remus asked, leaning over from beside Peter. "Know what?" James complained. "That I'm missing quidditch practice for this?"

"No." Remus said. "That this is the annual sexed class."

"WHAT!" James shouted. Startling the nearby hufflepuffs. "I DON'T WANT TO HAVE MAGONIGAL EXPLAIN WHERE BABIES COME FROM!"

"Why?" Sirius asked, yanking his best friend back down. "It could be sexy you know, having an 'older' women explain the ropes to you." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Maybe we can get you a little, 'extra' help in this subject prongs." James glared. "I'm not the one who needs to know that if you kept your dick in your pants there would be a lot less first years in eleven years." Remus shuttered. "Think of all the little Sirius running around." Sirius grinned. "It would be like an army. ALL HAIL LORD SIRIUS! MASTER OF THE TEENAGE PREGNANCYS!" Remus groaned. "Just think of all the things that would be broken…"

Sirius grinned. "It's not like I shag anything that moves. My shag habits are a lot like my eating habits."

" You lick them so no one else wants them." James asked.

Sirius glared. "No. I don't eat green food."

Remus laughed. "So grass, the top of trees and the Irish are safe then?"

Before Sirius had time to retort, Dumbledore had called silence threw the hall.

"Students!" He bellowed. "It is time you learn about the magic of reproduction. The amazing art that is creating new life. And Professor McGonagall and I will be leading you on the adventure that is discovering how wizards and witches generate beings."

Sirius snorted. "Bet they where practicing the amazing art of reproduction before they came here."

"SIRIUS!" James screamed, interrupting Dumbledore's speech. "NO!" he said whacking his friend upside the head with a newspaper. "STOP MAKING OLD PEOPLE HAVE SEX!"

"Mr. Potter?" McGonagall l quipped. "That is 'quite' enough." She moved slowly over to the chalkboard and drew a diagram of a uterus. "This, everyone. Is a uterus It is the re-…what is it Mr. Black?" She sighed, watching as Sirius waved his arm about.

"What color are they?" He asked innocently.

"Red." She said.

"O.." Sirius sank back down into his seat.

"Yes now as I was saying, this is a uterus. It is the reproductive organ that the baby will grow in before-…yes Mr. Potter?"

James lowered his hand solemnly, and looked quite grave. "Professor, could my uterus be blue?"

McGonagall took a deep breath. "No potter, it can't."

"Why not?" Sirius piped up indignitently. "What's wrong with blue?"

"It's ravenclaws color." Remus supplied.

"So? I'll have you know my favorite color is blue. And I do not appreciate this discrimination against blue things."

"Your uterus can not be blue potter because you do not have one." McGonagall shouted over siriu's rant. "And stop rambling Mr. Black." She turned sharply and began to label the different parts of the female anatomy. Sirius gave her a dirty look. "She's just mad because her uterus would never be as beautiful as mine." James snorted. Sirius glared at him. "It couldn't be. With all the times Dumbledores been at er."

"AHHH!" James screamed, falling out of his chair next to a smiling Sirius.

"Hey." Remus whispered, poking him in the side. "Does this mean you shag mostly blue things?"

……………………………………………………………………..

After three hours of constant interruptions by the three marauders, and a scare where Remus might have been pregnant, the class was almost over.

'Finally..' McGonagall mentally danced with joy. 'Only one more thing left to do'.

"Does anyone have any questions?"

Immediately three hands went into the air. She groaned. "Alright, black, Lupin, Potter ONE question each."

Sirius nodded and gave the professor a sober expression. "Professor, I still don't understand one thing." He took a deep breath. "Am I a sperm or an egg?"

Before McGonagall could throw something at Sirius, Dumbledore had stepped in. "I think that's enough pain for our dear Transfiguration professor for one day. Class dismissed, and o, Sirius you are both a sperm and an egg."

The marauders walked out of the great hall, Sirius still contemplating on this new discovery. "I…don't know how to feel about this…"

James snorted. "You could just do the failsafe and feel like an idiot."

Sirius glared a him, but before he could makes another comment abut old people getting down and dirty five house elves with a tray of blue cookies hurried past them.

"COOKIES LOVE!" Sirius shrieked, running after them.

James laughed. "What an idiot."

Sirius then ran back, with his face stuffed with cookies and said.

"Dumbledore naked, McGonagall naked snape naked and your mom and dad having sex." Then he promptly walked away from his best friend. Who was now spaseming on the floor.

End

I warned you :P

POMM


End file.
